The Velvet Darkness
by Black-Diamonds
Summary: A picture of a perfect life: two children, a ministry job, a white picket fence...but it's not what Harry wants. As Harry learns what it's like to love and lose, he finds he can't let go of the past, even if it will haunt him forever. SLASH
1. I

-The Velvet Darkness-  
A Draco + Harry slash  
by Black-Diamonds  
an/disclaimer: JKR owns them all. I own the plot. Title of story was inspired by the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack.  
anII: yes. slash. hp boy/boy fic. *happy grin* u have been warned.  
  
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"Dearly beloved we are here today to witness the union of these two  
people..."  
  
I gulp and look over at my bride, her red hair glowing in the sunlight that spills into the church. She smiles radiantly at me, a rosy blush spreading across her cheeks. In her hands, a bouquet of some sort of white flower.  
I've failed to care what type they are.  
  
All I can think of is him. Is he thinking of me too? I didn't send him an invitation...it was too painful. And I didn't know where to find him either. But all he had to do was follow the damn media trail that lead straight to the church anyway. And then there he'd be. My jaded knight. A creature of the night that I could never have to hold.  
  
"Do you take Virginia Claire Weasley to love and to hold...to cherish..."  
  
Blah blah blah. I feel so bad, like I'm betraying her family after all they've done for me. Our whole marriage will forever be built upon a lie. But how can I tell her I can't marry her when she stands there like an innocent angel? It would shatter her completely.  
  
"I do."  
  
And now I can't take back the words. I've sealed my fate, and he's not part of it. I want to just die. How can I live without him? Oh, the many years we've spent quarrelling and bickering. How I'd take them all back if I could. How I'd do anything if it would mean he'd be the one I'd be sharing the rest of my days with.  
  
Well, at least she's happy. And so is her family. That's good, because I'm not. I'm the Boy Who Lived but I'm dying inside with no way out. They're all so happy for us. Especially Ron Weasley. My best friend. My best man, who now stands there grinning broadly at me. I guess it's sort of the least I can do for him.  
  
***  
  
As Harry Potter left the church with his new wife Mrs. Virginia Potter, his insides were churning and he desperately fought the need to run away from everything. Not because he hated Ginny. She was a beautiful young woman, and had really shone through in her last few years at Hogwarts. But because she wasn't the one who he thought of every morning and every night. She wasn't his silver serpent that sent his heart a flutter with every stinging insult and mocking laugh.  
  
***  
  
Only he can fulfill me. Only he completes me. I need him back. Ginny sits there, so full of life and happiness. I'm nothing but an empty shell. My smile...it's not real. It's just a mask I put on. A mask I will have to wear for the rest of my days.  
  
***  
  
The reception and all the people in it, seemed to Harry to be like cardboard and paper...so two dimensional, so unreal. He moved as if he was on automatic. That was it wasn't it? Shake hands, say thanks, eat, drink, pretend to be so bloody happy with his life. Oh yes, beautiful wife, I'm sure we'll have such beautiful children, live in a beautiful house, work for the ministry like every hero should.  
  
The reception went on, Ron's toast bringing many a tear to many an emotional guest. Molly Weasley, like expected, bawled her eyes out. Harry, feeling drained, held Ginny's hand through it all, each second feeling like a minute, each minute feeling like an hour.  
  
***  
  
The food's gone, the cake's been cut. And now it's time for our first dance together.  
I try to zone out. And as horrible as it is, I want to imagine that as these dim candles float lazily past and this romantic piano music starts to play, it's HIS arms I'm in. And he'll hold me forever and ever. And he'll never let go.  
  
Ginny smiles at me. And because she's not him it's just not right. I smile back. I'm a coward, because I've chosen to live this lie. I'm confused. Would I have been a coward for running and going after the truest love I know in my life? For following my star in the darkness? Am I a coward for staying though??  
  
***  
  
The guests all oohed and ahhed over the newly-weds. A lovely sight as they twirled and swayed in the cacoon-like dimness of the dance floor. Molly Weasley was crying again. Harry closed his eyes. Everyone thought it was out of happiness. But Harry knew his own pain, as he held back tears that threatened to fall. Because then everyone else would know his sadness. And that would cause more pain, which was the last thing anyone needs after the seven eventful years at Hogwarts. But Voldemort was gone. The world should have been happy, celebrating - time to move on.  
But Harry wanted the one that got away. The deatheater that got away from the ministry.  
  
***  
  
I'm aching. Inside, I feel like I have creatures with sharp nails clawing at my heart. Ginny wants to dance more but isn't once enough?? No. And there'll be many more to come. As terrible as it is, each moment I spend with her just makes me want to get away from them all even more. I tell her I want some fresh air. She offers to come with me.  
  
"Harry, love, are you all right? You look pale. Are you sure you want to go for a walk outside in the cold?"  
  
Cold is good. Cold makes me numb and I don't have to feel my sorrow any more.  
  
"I'll be fine, sweety..."  
  
A weak smile. My mask is slipping, cracking, failing to completely hide my inner emotions. Soon everything will be revealed if I'm not careful. That's it, put the mask back on, lean in, give her a kiss on the cheek.  
  
"I'll be fine. Look, I'll be back soon."  
  
She doesn't look all that sad. She nods and gives my hand a friendly squeeze.  
  
"Don't be too long hon'...I guess I'll see you later."  
  
***  
  
Outside there was a light snow falling from the darkened sky. Ginny, a winter bride, as pure and sweet as the snow. Ginny was snow, but not ice. Her heart made her warmer than that. But Harry wanted to desperately find his Ice Prince. The one whose heart only he could melt, and the only one who could make him whole again. Harry walked towards the white trellis gazebo at the edge of the garden's large woods, not knowing what exactly he intended to find. He felt a familiar stab of nervousness, hope and yearning as he saw a darker shadow shift against the background of the other shadows. Harry started moving faster, loosening the tie around his neck. Only a short distance from the gazebo now.  
  
And then Harry saw him...found him again. After all those hopeless nights of dreams. After wishing on every single first star in the sky.  
  
There he was.  
  
  
  
  
  
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...Part II coming soon...  
Please r+r :) Much Thanks. 


	2. II

nb: rating upped for norty language and themes in this chapter.  
  
  
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He stands in the shadows on the edge of moonlight and darkness.  
Is it where he belongs? No. He belongs in my arms. But never in the light.  
A vision in black leather and pale hair that's covered in a thin layer of even paler snow.  
How long has he been standing here in the cover of the night??  
I fight the temptation to call him a bastard for leaving me. The temptation to hit him and hurt him as much as he's hurt me. I fight the temptation to rugby tackle him down on to the gazebo floor and shower him with kisses.  
I fight temptation, and walk over to him.  
  
"Draco."  
  
***  
  
Draco calmly met Harry's green gaze.  
  
"Hello, Harry."  
  
"Where have you been?" Harry launched himself towards the taller man, enfolding him in a tight, loving embrace as if never to let him fade away again. The reaction he got was not the one he expected. Draco didn't hug him back, nor reciprocate his feelings. He stepped backwards slightly and narrowed his stone eyes into cat-like slits.  
  
"Did you save me some cake?" Was his quiet qeustion.  
  
"My dragon, you can have all the cake in the world! Pet, you can have anything you want I'll get it for you - you know it!"  
  
"Anything but our wedding cake." Came the reply, eyes still staring at Harry, unfeeling, almost glacial. And suddenly, something in Harry snapped. There comes a point where a person can take only so much pain.  
  
"You left me! Okay? YOU left ME, Draco Malfoy. YOU were the one who refused to join the Order of The Phoenix with me and find redemption as an auror. YOU were the one who was too afraid to defy his bastard father. While you went prancing about the world as a deatheater I was left feeling like you'd taken my heart, stomped on it and fed it to Voldemort. And you think you can just come here on my wedding night and fuck up my life again?!" Harry's voice was hoarse with screaming and yelling.  
  
"Do you love her?"  
  
Tears welled in the infamous deatheater's eyes, clouding his vision. His lover was now a dark blur of raven hair and black suit, silhouetted against the lights from the banquet.  
  
"Do you love her? Huh? Does she make you feel the way I do? Does she love you as much as I do?? Does she love you enough for it to hurt?" His own voice was hoarse with tears now. "Because for the past three years all I have felt, is this pain in my chest. And every time I see a picture of you or hear about you or even have a memory of you, it hurts me more than any curse ever could. And each day I can't be with you or have you, I die a little bit more. Believe me, lover, I've suffered too."  
  
"Oh yeah like hell you've suffered! Fucking hell Draco, what do you know about suffering!? Huh!? How can you say you've suffered and even compare your feelings to mine?? And how dare you come here and call me lover! I hate you!"  
  
Harry stepped forward and started pounding angrily at Draco's chest, breaking down and crying openly. He let out all his frustration in each hit, and Draco just stood there and took it. Harry's sobs increased and his blows to Draco became slower, until they finally ceased and he collapsed slightly against Draco, his body shaking with the weight of his emotions. Draco just stood there. He looked down at the angry mess of raven hair that leant against him. Slowly, his arms came around Harry, his lips gently kissing the top of Harry's head.  
Harry looked up at the face of the only one he could ever love, emerald green through dark wet lashes.  
  
And suddenly they were a tangle of limbs and lips and hands. Fingers raking desperately through hair, mouths meeting in a molten fusion of passion and longing.  
  
And they both melted together into the shadows.  
  
***  
  
Gods how I've missed this. No matter how sweet Ginny's kisses are, it's never the same as his. Draco tastes like he always did; in his kisses are traces of expensive champagne and citrus and apple. Maybe I'm rambling, but Draco has this amazing effect on me.  
His scent is intoxicating. It's like musky cologne and a rainy day and first snow and mountain mist. Yeah, all mixed together. For someone so tainted he smells so pure.  
  
I find solace in his arms. They surround me, the pressure of them around my frame from them telling my mind and body that every thing is all right. That while I'm there nothing can harm me. Funny, isn't it? That the Boy Who Lived only truely lives when he's in the embrace of his lover who just happens to be a deatheater. Draco's not the only one dying.  
  
For three years I've been feeling dead all ready.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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more coming soon. thankyou for the feedback *^_^* *blushes*. yes, i don't endorse the ginny/harry pairing either _ 


	3. III

Draco was the first to pull away, gasping for air. He rested his hot forehead against Harry's, and brushed away a stray lock of raven hair so he could see Harry better.  
  
"Do you," another gasp for air and a blink to wash away the tears, "Do you know how many times I have dreamed of that, and woken only to find it was all just a dream?"  
"As many times as me, my dragon?" Harry ran the palm of his hand over the back of Draco's neck, loving the feel of the smooth hair and even smoother skin under his hand.  
"It's been far too long." Draco pulled Harry back in to another embrace, lips desperately seeking redemption in their kiss. His hands moved up to remove Harry's glasses and tossed them to the side, his mouth now moving to kiss Harry's cheeks, throat and nose, the warmth of his lips melting the snowflakes that settled on Harry's eyelashes.  
  
And Ginny watched from a distance, tears filling her eyes rapidly and her throat blocking up. Hadn't she always suspected this? That no matter how much she loved Harry and no matter how willing she was to give him anything he wanted - that his heart belonged to another? That she wasn't the one he wanted. Ginny turned away from the scene before her and hastily wiped her tears. No, she couldn't let her family know the truth, and she couldn't let Harry know that she knew either. With those thoughts, Ginny hurried inside.  
Her Harry would come back to her....wouldn't he? And all she could do was hold to that hope, and wish with all her might that the gods might pity her on her wedding night, and bring back the man she loved.  
  
***  
  
Harry opened his eyes and found that he and Draco were no longer standing in the gazebo but in a warm incense-drenched room with a roaring blaze and thick rich-plum carpet.  
"Will you stay with me tonight, golden one?" Draco slowly pulled Harry towards a large bed, encircling his waist with slender willowy arms.  
"Tonight and forever."  
The night became a swirl of fire-damp skin and glazed over eyes, wandering no where but each other, entangled limbs, entwined fingers, lips ruby red with a fierce passion.  
The dancing flames turned to embers...two star-crossed souls reuinted, at last existing in peace, a peace only found in each other.  
  
***  
  
And this is where I belong. Forever in his arms, his hold...beside him, in him, around him, but never away from him. I've missed him too much. It's been so long - too long. And I pray that the morning never comes. Because I fear he'll be gone. But then again...I fear that this is just another dream, and when I wake up, it'll all have been a dream.  
  
***  
  
Harry Potter deserves more than me. Me? I'm nothing. I'm evil, tainted, bad. I don't even have an identity. The Ministry doesn't know if I'm alive or dead. I'm not even on file. For them, I don't even exist. Harry's so much more and he deserves so much more. I know what I must do. I have to let him go. I have to leave. After all I have done, the least I can do is step back into the shadows I came from. Harry can't be mine now. He has a wife, and he'll soon have a family. What am I supposed to do, be his lover forever? Keep continuing this love affair for the rest of our lives? No, I won't let it be like that. As much as I love him, I can't disrupt what he has now. It has to end now.  
This is goodbye.  
  
  
  
  
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a/n: Yes there will be more. thankyou very much for all ur reviews, and keep reviewing - I love feedback! :D 


	4. IV

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Farewell Harry, and may God bless you forever and keep you safe from harm.  
Ironic, isn't it? Ironic that I'm religious. Me, so bad, and yet believing in something so pure and so good that I feel unworthy.  
Lord, watch over my Harry, and don't ever let him give up - ever. Give him the strength to continue winning every battle he faces in life, no matter how big or small. Help him understand why I'm doing what I am, and why I'm leaving him.  
  
I wish I could stay, but I'd forever a weakness in his shield. I'm a fugitive from everyone and everything, and staying means I put Harry in danger as well.  
If I have to sacrifice our love for his safety then I'm willing to do that. I'll hurt him to save him. I'd rather give up every mortal fibre of me than put him at risk.  
And I'd rather die tomorrow than have lived forever without loving him.  
  
***  
  
Draco looked at the sleeping Harry but no tears fell. Maybe it was those years of practice at never showing the world how he really felt, how he was really dying inside. Maybe it was the fact that he felt he had to be strong for Harry.  
  
It didn't really matter, Draco thought, as he slowly pulled on his black dragonhide boots and laced them up. Nothing matters now but Harry. Draco stood for a period of time at the foot of the bed, just watching Harry. As Harry smiled in his sleep, Draco hoped that it was him that Harry was dreaming about. Because for the rest of their lives, that would be the only place where they could be together.  
  
Making his mind up, Draco went over and sat down next to Harry on the bed. His hand hesitantly reached over and he closed his eyes, swallowing hard. And as Harry slept on, Draco ran his fingers gently over him, memorising the feel of his skin, every curve and gentle dip of flesh over bone. Harry stirred, and Draco felt his heart flutter. If Harry awoke he'd tell Draco not to go. If he remained asleep...then Draco would leave without Harry knowing - until morning at least. Harry didn't wake up, but turned slightly on to his side, so he was facing Draco. Draco took in a deep breath, his finger tips tracing the curves of Harry's lips. And taking the risk of waking Harry, Draco leaned in and captured those lips, engulfing Harry unknowingly in one last kiss. Shaking gently with held-in emotion, Draco pulled away, memorising the taste of Harry's lips on his own.  
"Goodbye, Harry Potter."  
  
***  
  
It was the cold that woke Harry up. Slowly half-opening his eyes he found a cloak covering his bare skin. Harry shivered in the frosty morning, and then remembered the night he'd shared with Draco. Grinning sleepily, Harry reached out an arm for Draco. Nothing there. Harry opened his eyes fully, the grin frozen and fading from his face. No Draco next to him.  
"Draco?" Harry called out, instinctively fumbling for his glasses, which were beside him.  
"Draco?" Wrapping himself in the cloak -Draco's cloak-. It was then that he realised he was outside. On the gazebo floor, lying on a thick blanket of velvet. Early morning snow fell outside the canopy provided by the gazebo roof. He sat up, a thousand different theories running through his head. Lucius had somehow come back and killed Draco? No, he would've killed HIM if he'd had the chance. The Ministry had found him? No, they would've woken him up, not left him lying bare in the cold.  
The cold. Didn't he fall asleep in a room with a blazing fireplace and a bed that fairytales are made of...? It must have been an enchanted room. How fitting for such a beautiful, heartless person. Harry's eyes filled with tears.  
  
  
  
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afterdinnermints:  
thankyou so much for your support with this story. it's turning out to be one of mah personal faves. tehehehe. keep reviewing n' stuff, i lurve ur feedback :D  
sorry i haven't emailed any1 with updates. it's just hotmail hasn't been working for me, so i'll try and send update notices when i can. thanx for putting up wit this.  
much love,  
diamonds.  
  
ps: there's a lot more to come ;) 


	5. V

And if I cry will the cold make my tears into crystals...diamonds? Diamonds are forever, according to some smart ass song writer out there. And so they are. But apparently -he- isn't. He's left me again. He's taken my heart and tied it to piece of string and used it like a bloody yoyo. He's stabbed it about a hundred times with a basilisk fang. He's a bastard who doesn't deserve any sympathy. Why the fuck should I care any more? As I sit here I realise something. I AM winter itself.  
Cold, unfeeling, harsh and with no will to live.  
And yet...and yet I would melt under his hand. I always have. He makes me -feel- real. And that's what makes it hurt so much. Knowing nothing will ever be real without him ever again. Why does goodbye feel like forever??  
  
***  
  
Harry wiped his tears away with his hand and drew in a deep breath. He lifted a corner of Draco's cloak to his face and breathed in his scent deeply. The smell that he would come to dream about and wake up to at night after night in the years to come, yearning for Draco to be the one laying next to him.  
  
***  
  
He may be a bastard, and he may have left me, but I know something else.  
I love him.  
And isn't that all that matters?  
Love will endure all. No storms nor obstacles will obscure it or alter it. And Draco Malfoy, wherever you are, know this. You may never be with me and I will never have you as my own, but you will be the one I'll love forever, and my soul will stay with you day and night, haunting you with the memory of the love forever doomed. The love that engulfed and consumed us like wildfire, and now burns within me.  
  
***  
  
As Harry located his clothes, sitting neatly in a pile, he noticed something else.  
On top of his folded coat, sat a lily, pure white petals with a soft green stem. And beside the lily, a letter. As he read, a tear fell from Harry's eye and splashed on to the page.  
  
***  
  
Love,  
Do not look for me. I will be the shadow that is not there, and it is not your place to find me. And besides, you won't be able to. As you read these words I will fade into nothing but a myth...a whispered rumour. Draco Malfoy will become no more than a person that exists in only your dreams.  
Hold these three words forever in your heart and the thought of us with them:  
I love you.  
Forever and beyond, I will love you. Every breath I breathe and every tear that falls will be for you. Even now, what I'm doing is for you. All for you. One day, my lion, my brave one...my never-fading lilly...one day, we'll be together again, and all this will be ours and our kingdom.  
  
Yours for eternity,  
Draco Malfoy.  
  
***  
  
As Harry did up the last button of his white shirt, he heard footsteps approaching.  
"Harry?"  
  
  
  
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afterdinnermints:  
still more to come! keep up tha r n' r!  
whirled peas, slash and sushi,  
...diamonds 


	6. VI

Harry's heartbeat doubled with the fear of who it could be that would be the first to discover him here. He felt a twang of guilt as well. Yesterday morning he was a bachelor; lover to a lost dragon. Only but a few hours later he was a married man; husband through faithful duty.  
And as of last night, he was an unfaithful husband, sleeping with the supposed enemy and all but forgetting about the years without his dragon.  
"Harry, come on.."  
A blanket was wrapped around his shoulders. It was his godfather Sirius.  
  
***  
  
Gods how can I ever face Sirius? My own godfather? I want to hide my face and run. I don't want to have to explain. I don't think I'll be able to. I don't want to do anything except curl up and die. Or sink into the Earth. And Ginny? My own wife! Even if I don't love her as much as I love...him...I still care about her. I realise now that I still care for all of them. In his absence THEY are the only ones that care about ME. How will she react to this when she finds out? Has she ALREADY found out?  
  
***  
  
"Sirius." And I bow my head in shame.  
  
***  
  
Harry felt low and worthless. He wouldn't even have been surprised if the whole Weasley clan came after him wielding clubs. He deserved to be punished, after betraying the trust of someone so innocent.  
"Harry what's past is exactly that - the past. Nothing we can do to change it and there's no point in spending the rest of our lives in regret. Now come on, isn't there someone you should go see?"  
"Ginny..." Harry sighed.  
"Yes, your lovely wife is waiting to see you after your wedding night." Sirius gave him a small smile.  
"Is she waiting with a butcher knife ready to castrate me?" Harry muttered morosely.  
"No no, I think you'll find her quite...happy." Sirius gave Harry a knowing look.  
"Harry I want to let you in on something. I uh..." Sirius rubbed the back of his neck looking slightly uncomfortable. "I altered her memory, Harry."  
Harry's mouth dropped open in shock.  
"You what??"  
"I altered her memory. Her memory is now exactly what SHE wanted it to be, not the real one. According to her's, you two would have had the perfect wedding night. And currently Harry, she's asleep, dreaming of you I suppose. Now, if you don't want to be in trouble, I suggest you hurry home."  
Harry's mouth was still open, and he blinked rapidly in shock, making him look very much like a stupified fish.  
"Isn't that...well...I...uh...thankyou, Sirius." Harry wrapped his arms around Sirius and gave him a big hug, suddenly feeling like a small child. Sirius patted Harry on the back. He knew his godson, and he knew that he didn't like being untruthful. One day Harry would tell Ginny the truth. One day.  
  
But as Harry crawled back into the bed he 'shared' with Ginny, he hadn't forgotten Draco, or the letter and lilly which he had carefully hidden. Draco had said they would be together again one day. It was a day Harry was more than willing to wait for.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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hope u r enjoying the story. please review if u liked this chapter/story/plot or if u have any ideas. i love ur beautiful feedback, it really does inspire me to write. sorry about all the angst, but I guess the rest is going to be angsty too, like most of my slash works. ^_^  
  
ur loving author  
diamonds 


	7. VII

And so Harry waited...  
  
...And waited....  
  
....And days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into endless years...and Harry lost all hope that he would ever find his dragon again.  
For hadn't he learned that years ago? At twenty-seven, he should have been more learned of the ways of the world. A creature of the night can not survive by the light of day.  
  
---  
  
Seven years after that one fateful night, Harry found himself sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper, his thoughts anywhere but actually on the print.  
"Daddy!" Tiny arms curled around his neck from behind and a kiss was planted on his cheek.  
"Good morning Pumpkin." Harry turned around and hugged his daughter Sylvia. "And what do you have planned for today big-girl?" Sylvia, at six years old, liked it when her father treated her like a grown-up. She liked being asked what plans she had. But today she screwed up her nose.  
"Mummy says we're going shopping today." Sylvia looked around the kitchen as if making sure her mother wasn't there and leaned towards her father's ear. "Do I hafta go daddy?" She whispered conspiratorially.  
Harry laughed.  
"Yes sweetie, when mummy says you have to go, you do exactly as she says."  
"Why?"  
"Because mummy's a Weasley."  
"What's a Weaswey?"  
"Sylvia Anne Potter what are you plotting behind my back now?" Ginny asked, coming in to the kitchen, hands on hips.  
"Behold the Wrath of the Early Morning Weasley." Harry whispered loudly, his eyes twinkling mischievously. He yelped as Ginny came over and pinched his nose. As she released him Harry rubbed his poor defenceless nose in an effort to readjust it.  
"I swear, before I married your mother I had a perfectly fine nose." Harry told Sylvia in earnest. Sylvia giggled.  
"Okay Jester, enough for one morning. Tell me, where's your brother?" Ginny went over to the pantry and took out a shake-and-pour bottle of pancake mix. Sylvia shrugged.  
"Dunno. He stormed into his room last night when I magicked his teddy-bear and turned it into a hippo-giff."  
Harry snorted with laughter and ruffled Sylvia's hair.  
"That's my girl."  
"Harry!" Ginny cried. "Don't encourage her."  
"Yes mam'." Harry mock saluted Ginny and dodged as she threw a tea-towel at him. "Ginny I'll go get Justin."  
Ginny blew a stray strand of hair from her forehead.  
"Thanks love. Do you want coffee?"  
"Yeah thanks."  
Ginny watched Harry salute their daughter, who giggled at his antics, before bounding out of the kitchen and up the hallway stairs. She sighed, wiping her hands on her jeans.  
  
***  
  
Everything's perfect. Harry is just wonderful. Look at how he plays with our children. He's the perfect father, friend and provider. There's this loving warmth that sparkles in his eyes whenever he pushes Sylvia on the swings or picks up Justin from the sandpit and puts him on his shoulders no matter how dirty and dusty he is. But where is that warmth when we're together??  
  
***  
  
Harry looked down at their four year old son Justin, sleeping peacefully in his bed shaped like a Hogwarts boat. The little dark-haired boy had his thumb in his mouth and his chest rose and fell with his light breathing.  
"Justin? Sweetie it's time to get up." Harry sat down in the chair next to the bed and gently touched Justin's shoulder. Justin opened his big green eyes and stared at Harry.  
"Daddy?"  
"Yes it's me...come on Justy, it's breakfast time."  
"Daddy who's Draco Mafoy?"  
Harry gaped in shock at his son.  
"Daddy you 'kay?"  
"Justin-" Harry managed to choke out, "Wha - what did you just say?"  
Justin pushed himself up on to his little elbows and shrugged.  
"I asked if yous was 'kay. Cause you looked like Sylvie's fishy when I petrifried it."  
"No -- no, before that. What did you ask me?"  
"Oh, that." Justin smiled with serene innocence. "I saw this man in my dweam n' he was sad cos he had to go somewhere and he misses you lots n' lots. Who is he daddy?"  
"Uh-"  
"Daddy?"  
"Y - yes Justin?'  
"Mummy's going to burn the pancakes."  
And from the kitchen came a cry of "Oh no!" followed by a burst of giggles and Sylvia's voice calling out.  
"Daaaaddd mum burnt the pancakes!" And then more laughter.  
Harry simply stared at Justin.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
afterdinnermints:  
O_o....!  
As always, reviews are much appreciated. If you liked it, please tell me, or if you have any ideas I'd love to hear them. Merci. ;) 


	8. VIII

This can't be real. Never in a million years did I think I would ever hear his name again. Never did I think my son would be the one to see him, if only in his dreams. And how? I didn't know my child was a seer, that he had the gift.  
  
***  
  
At breakfast Harry hardly touched his food. He poked his scrambled eggs with a fork and stared blankly at his plate. Ginny gazed at him, trying to decipher what was troubling him.  
"Harry?" She reached over and gently touched her husband's hand. "What's the matter? Are you all right?"  
Harry looked up at her, startled. For a moment it was as if he didn't even recognise who she was. He shook his head dumbly.  
"I, I -- no, nothing's wrong. I uh, just need to take a walk."  
  
***  
  
I feel like I have lived to be the Boy Who Lied. Damn it. Why now, seven years later? And why my little boy? Curse me bless me Draco. You left me and now you haunt me through my child's dreams. Do I remember you? Yes I do. Every single bloody day. Every time I step out on to a quidditch pitch after it rains and inhale the scent of dampness in the air and the fresh wet grass. Every time I bathe or eat or sleep or every...  
Damn you, Malfoy. I hate you I love you I need you I want you. You fulfil me. You pervade my senses and set every little nerve on fire. You make me bleed and hurt but the pain's all right, it's just....just that I need you back here, with me.  
  
***  
  
When Harry returned back from his walk he didn't go inside, but instead stood out on the porch for the longest time. The fly screen door creaked as Ginny pushed it open and came outside to stand with him.  
"Where are the kids?" Harry asked.  
"Gone to school...The Buttercup Express was early for once. I mean honestly, the way David drives that bus you'd think we weren't paying Madam Marionne five hundred galleons a year for two children."  
Harry hadn't replied. Ginny looked at him.  
"Harry..." She wrapped her slender arms around his waist and kissed his cheek. He didn't even flinch. "Love if there's anything wrong please just-"  
"Nothing is wrong. I'm fine."  
"Well you don't look fine." Ginny said flatly. "Don't lie to me. All morning at breakfast you've been acting like your best friend's just died. Now stop bottling up whatever it is and tell me what's wrong."  
Harry looked up at her and the total empty sadness in his eyes scared her.  
"You wouldn't understand."  
Ginny spun away from him. His words had stung her.  
"Bloody hell Harry! I am your wife!"  
"I know..." And with that Harry turned and walked inside.  
  
***  
  
Why do I feel like for every step I'm moving forward he's moving two behind?  
Like...like we're standing on separate ends of an iceberg and there's this huge crack and the two halves keep floating further apart. Harry, Harry, Harry...I care about you. I have always cared about you. I love you so much. I owe you my life...my happiness, my children - *our* children. But why do you still look into the shadows at night? Why do you jump every time the phone rings with some hidden ray of hope?  
I know who you look for. I know the answers you seek in those shadows and I know who you hope is one the other end of the phone.  
But will you ever find your answer?  
I stayed by your side through thick and thin Harry, through every sickness, every joy, every heartche and every success.  
Is HE ever coming back Harry?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
---  
afterdinnermints:  
{:-O Eek! Next chapter coming soon. And yes, explanation coming as to why Ginny knows. BTW: the Madam Marionne's school is like a primary school for magical children. The Buttercup Express is like a school bus, only it's magical too.  
Please review! Thanks to those of u who r devotedly following this story: it really means something to me! :D 


	9. IX

Harry was washing the dishes silently when Ginny entered the kitchen.  
"I don't know why you insist on using the muggle way of cleaning." Ginny joked, picking up a bottle of dish-washing liquid.  
Harry shrugged.  
  
***  
  
Because I like getting up to my elbows in suds and losing myself in the mindless task that is dishwashing. I like watching the rainbows in soap bubbles and the white foamy froth and thinking what life COULD have been like. No lies. No hiding.  
...And then I watch the soap gurgle down the drain and I think of how my life really is, of how everything has turned out. All gone down the drain. Seven years falling deeper into darkness and with no way to get out. Maybe it really is too late...  
  
***  
  
Ginny picked up the newspaper, that black and white mess of scandal and slander. She sat down in a wicker chair by the window and started reading, flipping the pages with one hand. Her eyes didn't really see the tiny print...the affairs, the crimes, the ads for Madam Mirabella's Miracle Tangle-free Shampoo. Her mind was racing a million miles an hour.  
  
***  
  
Our marriage is falling apart. Seven glorious years later. Did I really think that this dream would last forever? We're dancing a tango where winner takes all and the loser's left to weep; either that or we're both going to crumble to dust. We're caught up in this terrible game, seeing who's going to break first. One of us is going to lose it. One of us is going to finally snap that last tiny thread between us.  
  
***  
  
Ginny realised the front page of the paper was missing. She scouted about and found it lying on the floor beside the table. As she picked up and turned it over a face from the past leered up at her, and the headline in bold print made her stomach churn (though she would never really figure out why).  
  
  
  
  
INFAMOUS DEATH EATER DRACO TEMPEST MALFOY FOUND DEAD  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ginny what are you reading?" Harry asked quietly, noticing the pale tone of his wife's face.  
"Uh nothing..." Ginny tried to hide the newspaper. "Just a little article on a bit of trouble  
at Diagon Alley."  
"Oh. what kind of trouble?"  
"Don't uh worry."  
"You worry about me, love. What's made you so pale and sickly?" Ginny gulped and handed Harry the newspaper. Harry's eyes scanned the page and a sob rose in his throat. The paper fell from his shaking hands.  
"No..no..it.."  
"Harry-"  
"No!" Harry turned and fled. He tore open the door and stumbled down the steps, not knowing where he was running.  
Round a corner...  
...down another empty street...  
  
Tears fogged Harry's vision and ran down his cheeks in little rivulets until he finally fell to his knees in the middle of the road and wept like a child. Empty scraps of paper and litter swept by him in the midday breeze. Autumn leaves collected by his folded ankles.  
And still he wept.  
  
***  
  
I have lost you forever. My eternity gone like that. Half my soul ripped so mercilessly away from me. I won't ever get to kiss your cherry-wine lips or rake my fingers through the flaxen silk of your hair again. Or lie entangled with you on the dew-damp sand of a secluded beach and watch the light of sunrise break the shadows of night.  
Did you ever know how much I loved you and needed you? That it didn't matter how we were separated, be it land or sea or sky, you always held your place in the deepest corner of my heart, and that I kept your love locked away and untouchable?  
  
But...but what of Justin's vision?? Were you alive only this morning? Was there still time to save you? Did you kill yourself because of ME?  
  
***  
  
Harry wandered lonely streets and lanes, his hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes, bloodshot and brimming with miserable tears, stared at the ground. Left, right, left, right. Even walking seemed to have a terrible empty pointlessness to it. He stopped by the side of the road as he heard the sound of the radio drift out from one the houses in a neighbouring street.  
"...body of Draco Malfoy, found last night in a house at Hazelwood."  
Harry let out a cry and had to reach his hand out to a nearby tree to support him. As the news continued, he crumpled against the tree's rough bark, bringing his hands up to his ears. Harry didn't wish to hear the rest. After all...Hazelwood?? Hazelwood was only a six minute walk away from their house.  
  
  
Had Draco been there all this time, watching him from a distance??  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
-----  
  
  
  
afterdinnermints:  
So what did happen to Draco?? who killed him...or is Harry right - has Draco committed suicide? What is going to happen to Harry's fairytale marriage?  
Find out in Chapter 9 of The Velvet Darkness...coming soon.  
  
Thankyou for the reviews! Once again, a special bunch of kisses to my regular reviewers. I luv u peeps! And all my other reviewers: u guys r so special - u truely are an inspiration to my writing, what keeps me going when my muse decides to have a hangover and be non-constructive, non-creative and a general pain in the booty! O_o 


	10. X Interlude X

Tears. Tears. That's all there's left. And memories. I want to join you Draco. Heaven. Hell. Places of light or dark or nothingness. I don't care. Remember when we were in that room? Our magical room. On that last night we were together. Remember when I told you that we'd NEVER, EVER, be torn apart?  
Come death, destruction.  
There is no music in the nightingale without you. Without living for you, there is no living. There's nothing here but tears and radios calling your name, telling me you're dead and gone and nothing can be done about it. Life is...life is meaningless.  
This air I breathe chokes me.  
What is life? What is my existence? Nothing.  
Full stop there.  
Question mark.  
Why did you have to die?  
Innocence taken - gone a long time ago. Questions.  
Why am I all alone?  
Why does the wind sigh your name and why do the memories of your butterfly kisses and tender petal eyelashes tremble in the crumbling leaves?  
Fuck poetry. You're beyond that. But you're gone.  
Gone.  
Gone as in forever.  
Forever wasn't ever enough time for anything.  
Forever isn't long enough to resurrect the dead.  
Forever isn't a place or a time or the future.  
It's what we felt.  
  
Goodbye, Draco...perhaps next time around our fate will be different. Just wait for me, okay? Just... 


	11. XI

Dinner that night was a sombre affair. Sylvia had started off with her usual loud chirpy tales of her day at school but had quietened when she sensed the tension at the table. Harry wouldn't speak to anyone. When Justin showed him a picture of Hogwarts he had drawn, Harry barely acknowledged it. He stared into space, his eyes not focussing on anything in particular. Ginny was unsure how to treat the situation. She tried to play Little Susie Home-maker, bringing out dinner, smoothing out her daughter's hair.  
  
***  
  
I want my Harry back. But what do I say? What do I do? I'm so very confused. I love my children and I love my Harry...but I don't know this man who sits in front of me now, this man that stares into space, his thoughts fixed on one person, whose name I dare not utter lest I break the tender spider-thread that holds the sanity of this household together right now. What about our children? Do I tell them the truth, that daddy loves another man? I want my mother right now. I want my parents and I just want to be free from all this guilt and responsibility and EVERYTHING. I just want to be the child again, and feel safe and secure and happy and LOVED.  
  
***  
  
Half way through desert, Harry excused himself. He went into the den and sat in front of the fire, staring into the flames. It reminded him too much of another fire. He put it out, and sat in darkness. Darkness enveloped him, and any moonlight that dared to enter through the high windows seemed to quiver and melt as it embraced the sorrow inside the room. Harry tried to cry. But the tears didn't want to seem to fall, as if every last drop had left him and there was nothing else left. Harry drummed his fingers on the leather arm of the chair, but that proved to remind him to much of rain falling on a roof, and that brought back memories too.  
Hell, everything now brought back memories, Harry found.  
Rain, snow, fire, cloud, moonlight, shadows, musky perfume....  
  
Seven years he had denied himself of escaping into the depths of his heart. Seven years he had sealed off that one section. But now he relaxed into the soft comfort of the chair, folded his hands, closed his eyes, and simply REMEMBERED. And before long, he dozed off, slipping into a dream flooded by sunlight and blue sky and clouds...and a laughing boy with dancing blue eyes, flawless milky skin, and that hair of woven silver...  
  
  
  
  
  
The next morning Harry was asked to do something utterly dreadful. He was asked to do one last identification, on the body of the once convicted Death Eater.  
Harry was woken up by Ginny, who nervously handed him a letter. As his eyes scanned it, Harry swallowed thickly and nodded out of duty.  
"Okay...hang on."  
  
He wore his best dress robes. Black, silver and crimson. After all, he was going to kiss his dragon goodbye. He didn't care anymore, whether anyone knew. He thought Ginny might have suspected, after his behaviour yesterday. He really didn't care. He was determined to say goodbye.  
  
  
  
As Harry apparated into the morgue at the Ministry he half wished he could turn and run. Run and run without looking back, without seeing the past without remembering the past and without having to identify the body.  
But the other half of him wished to see Draco's body before him. Dead, cold, lifeless. It would close a chapter in his life. Give him conclusion, be it the most dreadful he could think of.  
Harry doubted he would be able to let go.  
  
  
  
But as the morgue's chief examiner pulled back the sheet Harry gasped. Draco had a small scar just above his jawline on the left side. It had been from a childhood Quidditch injury, and very few people knew about it, since it was so faint.  
  
The body here had no such scar.  
  
Unless it was some trick of the light - which Harry very much doubted it would be - this was not the corpse of Draco Malfoy.  
  
***  
  
"Yes, this is him." Harry nodded. "This is Draco Malfoy."  
"Okay, thank you sir."  
The sheet was put back in place.  
  
***  
  
So if that wasn't his lover, Harry thought...  
  
***  
  
He became lost in a sea of confusion, one thought cancelling out the next. Harry wrung his hands in frustration. So many questions and no answers.  
  
But without Harry knowing it, the answers to all his questions lay so very close to him, in the form of...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
----  
afterdinnermints:  
*evil grin*  
Sorry ^_^  
  
So what exactly has happened?? The body - is Harry again mistaken? Is it just wishful thinking that he thinks it isn't Draco? Is Draco dead, or isn't he?  
  
  
  
Find out the truth, in Chapter 12 of The Velvet Darkness!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And yes! I promise the truth is coming! ^_^  
  
  
  
BTW: This chapter was reposted to include a little bit at the start that I missed out before. Sorry everone! But yes, the next chapter is coming very soon :)  
  
Thankyou to all who have reviewed...u know I luv ya ta bits! 


	12. XII The Inner Storm IIX

The silence in the Potter house was like the calm before a storm. The day outside was nice enough. Tufts and puffs of white drifted across a cerulean sky and birds circled past the shadows of cloud.  
Sylvia was outside in the garden, rocking slowly on her swing. Her Weasley red hair fluttered like a flag in the breeze, and the tiny frills of her dress bunched up around her dainty kneecaps.  
She was a picture of innocence, the kind of child parents want because they look so perfect and beautiful and pure, so like a child found in a picture book or fairytale.  
Sylvia had her father's eyes; currently, they were following the movements of an orange butterfly as it drew invisible patterns through the air. Anything to draw her mind off why her parents were acting like they were. Why her father seemed so distant. And anything to crush the questions inside her mind, questions involving the body the authorities had found, and how that man was associated with her parents...especially her father.  
  
A storm raged inside Harry, and a multitude of barely controlled emotions seethed under Ginny's quiet demeanour. Justin played with some enchanted blocks in the corner, making plastic trains that quietly chugged along the floor and buildings whose doors opened by themselves. But then...  
"That man..." Justin started quietly, poking at a block. His parents turned to look at him... Ginny from pretending to read a book and Harry from writing a supposed report for the Ministry...both with curious startled looks.  
"What man, baby?" Ginny asked.  
"The man dat evewyone says is dead. He's not." Justin said cautiously, stealing a glance at his father. "Draco Mafoy isn't dead."  
Ginny's hand flew to her mouth, which was open in an 'O' of surprise.  
"But he's weally sick, n' he's sad." Justin looked at his little shoes and started drawing absent-mindedly around the edges of the little dragons on them.  
"Oh, oh god -" Ginny finally choked out. "Where did you, I mean, Justin...what happened at school?? Who said anything...that man. The school shouldn't be teaching-"  
"Nothing!" Harry yelled. "It's not the school's fault." There was a stony silence, and Harry continued. "Justin is...well, I guess he's a seer, Ginny. And.." The sentence was left unfinished. "Excuse me." Harry threw down his quill. His chair squeaked as he pushed it backwards and got up, walking somewhat dejectedly to the bedroom.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
afterdinnermints:  
Sorry ^_^ That was more like a sub chapter more than anything. But it seemed to be best if this was a separate chapter from the other things.   
  
Oh dear. Whatever will happen? Draco's not dead?? And still the question remains unanswered - how on Earth does Ginny have a clue about what's going on?  
  
Find out what happens, in the next installment of The Velvet Darkness! 


	13. XIII

Is it possible?? Oh how I wish it could...is there even the smallest chance that you are still out there? Ever my sly Slytherin. Ever my devious, my cunning, my wicked, my endearing, my skillfull beautiful love. Perhaps you are out there like a mirage, a ripple in time and space and reality, fading and wavering beyond my reach, beyond the extent of where my fingertips reach for you. Perhaps you're alive. But maybe I will never be able to find you. Perhaps it was meant to be this way.  
  
But oh how I miss you.  
  
***  
  
A tear trickled down the end of Harry's nose and splashed on to his hand.  
  
***  
  
"You love him, don't you?" Ginny asked, startling Harry out of his silent daydream.  
"Wha - how do you know?" Harry sighed, raising his eyes tiredly from the picture he'd been holding. The picture taken in secret of Draco lying by a crackling fire, the red-gold light dancing patterns over his bare alabaster skin, his hand curling lightly around some dream-snitch.  
"More like how LONG have I known." Ginny bit her lip and came over to sit on the bed next to Harry. "Harry, our wedding night. I saw you - in the garden." Ginny sniffled slightly. "I saw you two in the garden during the reception. I came outside to find you and then I found both of you instead. I know something must have happened, because then you somehow made it back to our room and then everything from there just seems perfect. But that one image...it's just stuck in my mind like a splinter."  
"Oh Gin - I'm sorry." Harry moved to hug her but she moved away slightly.  
"No, Harry. It just doesn't feel right any more."  
"But we have a happy life now Gin. Draco doesn't matter any more to me. We have our children." Harry said gently. "We have our own life now."  
Ginny drew in a ragged breath.  
"If that's true, Harry, can you do something for me?"  
Harry nodded.  
"Then look me in the eyes, Harry, and tell me honestly, that you don't love him. That you don't wake up every morning and miss him, and wish he was here with you." Harry licked his lips and tried to. He wanted to, so he could maintain this happy normal life with Ginny in the light. He opened his mouth, but was left gaping speechless. Was his life really happy right now? He wanted so badly to return to the shadows if it meant being with Draco.  
"I can't." He croaked, before clearing his throat. "I'm sorry Ginny, I can't." She narrowed her eyes.  
"Then I'm sorry too Harry." And then she threw her arms around a shocked Harry. "I'm sorry because I'll miss you so much."  
Harry managed to extract himself and stare at her in amazement.  
"Sorry about what? Look I should be sorry. I shouldn't have said that - I mean, we have  
Sylvia and Justin to think about."  
"No Harry," Ginny had tears running down her cheeks. "No, I'm the one that's wrong. I've been so selfish all these years. But now, I know what I have to do. I know what's right." She looked Harry square in the eye and managed to smile through her tears. "Harry, if you believe he's still out there somewhere I want you to go and find him. And when you find him, love him the best you can."  
"Why?" Came Harry's puzzled question.  
"Because I love you. And it doesn't matter what happens," Ginny's eyes filled with new tears, but she felt strangely renewed and free. "I'll still love you. If loving you means letting go, then so be it. I want you to be happy."  
  
***  
  
I feel better. Somehow. I never thought that doing this would make me feel better. But I do...free, somehow. Free from the guilt of holding him down. Of keeping him from true happiness. Of lying to both him and me. Death Eater or not, I know he is the only one Harry could, ever did and ever will truely love.  
  
***  
  
Harry was gone by morning. Sylvia cried, wanting to know where her father was, but little Justin was calm.  
"He's gone to find 'im." Justin said quietly, playing with his toy unicorn. "Daddy's gone to find 'im, so he won't be all sad n'more."  
"Yes..." Ginny rubbed at the moisture in her eyes. "Daddy's just gone on a little trip to find someone."  
"He's not coming back is he?" Sylvia wailed. "He's left and he's going somewhere without us!"  
"Now be a brave big girl." Ginny said, gently stroking back her daughter's hair. "Be brave for daddy, okay?" She stared out the window at the clear blue sky, and really did wish that Harry found what he was looking for.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
afterdinnermints:  
^_^ I'm really happy with this chapter. I think it was a bit emotional to write, but I'm really quite pleased with the end result, and I hope u readers found it okay. As always, I love ur feedback, and if u have any comments or just to let me know u liked it or not please reviews.  
  
Whee!! Harry's off on a journey...but will he ever find Draco?? 


	14. XIV

an: *hides*  
*sigh*  
I know, ages since I last updated this, but I've been busy, and I've been re-editing the chapter until I was happy with it, and also roughly planning the next chapter to make sure this would flow into it.  
I'm not 100% happy with it so it may well be subject to change. I'll tell you in a later chapter if I've changed this one or not so you know :)  
Chapter dedicated to: To all those who have given me beautiful reviews and have been waiting a long time for this chapter. Thankyou for your patience :)  
  
  
  
  
  
Four months later found Harry in a dimly lit coffee shop in downtown Los Angeles, but Harry was no closer to finding what he was looking for. He lit a cigarette and brought it to his lips, sucking in the foul taste and then exhaling out a thin plume of bitter smoke.  
His search had taken him all over the world; in the darkest gloom and the artificial brightness of the busiest cities. From places where suspicious individuals lurked in shadowy corners, selling sin and sex and decadence by the bottle, to large clusters of life and activity, where by neon lights masses of people buzzed and gathered like insects flocking to a lightbulb.  
  
Harry raised his tired eyes and stared out the window, watching everyone live their lives.  
So normal. So routine.  
He envied them.  
He wondered if they knew what it was to be loved and lost. He wondered if they understood what it meant to have lost and not found again.  
  
..  
  
LA became Moscow, Moscow became Paris. Harry had sworn to himself not to give up on finding Draco, even if it meant going to the ends of the earth. But sometimes the selfish mission he had set out on, and his selfish ways...they often led to feelings of self-disgust  
On those nights Harry would lock himself away and...he wouldn't admit his tears.  
Not even to himself.  
So afraid of weakness and knowing now of only failure, the Boy Who Had Lived cried with self-pity and self-loathing and loneliness, with only the darkness as his friend.  
  
..  
  
After a few months of travelling, Harry felt himself losing faith in everything. Still no sign of Draco, and after a while, all the bars and pubs and drunken places of questionable morals became the same. Night after night, the liquor didn't taste any better, be it in Europe or America or Asia, and the company was never Draco. It might have given the illusion that Draco was there with him, but imagination only took him so far before he had to succumb to the bitter truth of reality...  
  
With another one-night-stand storming out angrily after Harry called out Draco's name, and another puddle of spilled alcohol forming by the bed, Harry found himself wishing he had died in that final battle with Voldemort, wishing he had never had to experience the hell that was living a life without love.  
Everything told him to go back to Ginny. Every logical part of him demanded he go back, apologise, and rebuild his life. Find his place in the fairytale that had been laid out on a platter in front of him. The one he had knocked over unceremoniously and ungratefully.  
  
But then again, since when was love...or passion...ever logical? It was always just a fire that burned in you, a bee that buzzed at the back of all those logical thoughts. It was a tiger, waiting, coiled, ready to spring...or the feeling of utter and complete ecstacy achieved in not even touching, but just lying looking at Draco's face when it was half shadowed by moonlight. But never, ever logical.  
  
..  
  
Time was an unyielding force. It raced by, every day bringing more dead ends and no answers. In his childhood Harry had wanted time to go fast, to make him grown-up and able to be in charge of his own life. But now, Harry found he had no time. It was like trying to stand at the edge of the sea, where the tide raked the sand from under his feet, leaving him on shaky ground. He had no control of time. It sped on ahead of him, and he was left behind without any resolution.  
  
More cigarettes, alcohol, nameless people sharing his bed, never lasting more than a day. The memories of his past had soon become nothing more than just that; bittersweet memories of a time, and a place, and a boy who had once been a hero.  
His life at Hogwarts, the constant rivalries, loves, sorrows and triumphs.  
A public figure-head and poster-boy, the one the world could place all its hope on.  
His secret life behind closed doors, his secret romance with his so-called enemy.  
His secret affair.  
His outrageously publicised story-book marriage to his so-called childhood sweetheart.  
  
The heartbreak, lies and secrets.  
  
  
The fading dream he had lived.  
  
  
Sometimes Harry wondered if it all had been a dream. A beautiful, tragic, sad dream. Sometimes he wondered about the world. Was he real? Was HE nothing more than dream, dreamed by someone with a brilliant imagination. Had he ever won or lost anything or loved or be loved?  
It cause a fierce ache in his heart when Harry even edged around, or dared to ask that one question; had the love between Draco and him...had IT ever been at all?  
  
Then one day, out of the blue, Harry ran into an someone from the days of his past. And the meeting would suddenly bring a jolt of reality to him. It would remind him of who he still was, and who he always would be. And effectively, it made a positive imprint in his mind that the love he had had was still alive, no matter how small the flame that burned, it was still there.  
The meeting would come to set Harry's feet back on the path that had always been there for him. He had just lost the way.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
---  
The answers r coming! I love your feedback and greatly appreciate your encouragement!  
A few notes:  
If you don't like my style, I'm sorry, but that's the way I write.  
I am separating my paragraphs S Wing *confused* Perhaps it's just your browser...?  
Nope, I don't speak French. Not fluently anyway - but I dabble.  
Thankyou, I love angsty slash and that's why I love writing it :)  
All those who like Justin...well, I think he might be playing a slightly bigger role in later chapters. Maybe?  
Yes, Draco's sick, but the answer to that is coming very soon.  
Yes, he is still alive. :)  
And yes, you'll find out who it is Harry runs into.  
  
Thanx guys, keep r+r!  
Much love,  
Diamonds. 


	15. XV

He had been drinking for hours. The night had been closing in on him like the jaws of a venus fly-trap plant, wrapping its tendrils around him and suffocating him with the incredible void of loneliness. Sombre and unsobre, Harry Potter was lost like so many times before in the clutches of memory.  
  
It was late. Even most of the regular boozers and brawlers had left for the evening. The bar was closing, a few last patrons spilling out drunkenly into the street, leaning on each other and laughing loudly at jokes that were hardly funny, not even to them. Harry sat miserably on the stool at the corner of the bar, the only sounds coming from the clink and splash as the barman rinsed and washed glasses.  
  
"Harry Potter." At the sudden voice beside him, he slowly raised his eyes to its owner. Stained fingers ground the cigarette into the worn shabby bar counter and he instantly sobered up from his coma-like silent reverie.  
  
"Yes?" He mumbled, not quite recognising the face.  
  
"Are you that drunk you don't recognise me, Potter?" The same dry voice, and bottomless amber eyes. Perhaps partly it was that Harry was drunk - it was evident in the way the essence of the liqour clung to his clothes. But perhaps it was mostly that his brain had almost completely shut off the past as a separate reality he had lived. In a time that had been, and a place that was, he had been happy. But those days were over to him, and with that unhapy ending he had also shut off the people who had made up that reality. Seeing this person here, in a muggle bar, with the same dark expression as he remembered from all those years ago...the shock hit Harry like a tidal wave.  
  
****  
  
Like a crashing wave. Like I'm getting lost in an ocean of the past, and it is drowning me. Bits of floatwood pass me by...and I recognise them as memories. Of everything my mind fought so hard to leave behind. Everything I refused to believe in any more, ever since they abandoned me. The hope I have lost and the things I try to hide from. They have found me.  
  
And Severus Snape now, like a dark messenger, sent to bring me back to where it all began, or all of that back to me.  
  
I am scared, though I know not why.  
  
***  
  
His eyes were lined with dark rings indicating his lack of sleep, and his skin even more sickly than when he had last seen him. And for a split second his eyes glowed with sympathetic warmth - or what looked like it. Perhaps the broken, daze Harry had won over his empathy. Not a chance. The Severus Snape Harry Potter had learned to love hating came back full force, his yelling drawing the attention of the barman.   
  
"Mr. Potter how dare you let yourself waste away like this. Have you no shame? Have you no sense of decency? Your lover-"  
  
A startled look.  
  
"Yes Potter your LOVER, is letting himself fade away in some muggle caravan park and instead of doing everything possible in your power to save him you are giving up like some common lout and letting yourself become a drunken buffoon. Have I taught you nothing of self help boy? Think of your parents! Granted I never got along with your father I am sure they would be nothing less of disgusted with your present state if they were here. And what of Draco Malfoy, hmm? Yes Potter I trust you are very much familiar with the youngest of the Malfoy line. What do you suppose he would think, if he were to see what you have let yourself become?"  
  
The barman let out a sudden yell of surprise and fright as every single glass on the shelves behind him smashed on their own accord, sending flying glass shards everywhere, showering to the floor in a dangerous cacophony of tinkling glass. "You complete bastard." Harry snarled, his voice a menacing almost animalistic growl. "You utter and complete miserable prick! How can you even mention his name!" Harry screamed, losing his control that had been barely there to begin with. "How dare you accuse me not making an effort to find HIM! You have no idea - no FUCKING idea, what I have gone through to try and find him."  
  
Severus Snape stared with an eerie calmness at the boy, but had anyone cared to notice they would have seen that the larger man had taken a step backwards, obviously intimidated by the fury being unleashed upon him. Harry continued his rant, as every glass in the house shattered, pieces of window pane flying through the night outside, and lightbulbs bursting, leaving them in a kind of gloomy, moonlit shadow world, where hatred, misery and melancholy reigned.  
  
"You have no idea of the fucking pain that stabs me every time I even THINK of him. You have no idea how pathetic I feel, senselessly screwing anything on two legs and losing myself while imagining it's him beneath me and not another stupid one night stand. You have NO IDEA OF ANYTHING!" Harry's voice cracked, his throat hoarse from the tirade he had launched upon Severus Snape. He grimaced crookedly now, pointing a finger accusingly at Snape. "It's because you have never loved nor been loved. You don't know the sheer agony that is true love. And now you're here to mock me because I do."  
  
"Perhaps I do not." Snape ignored the stinging at the back of his eyes. The boy looked so uncannily like his mother. "And perhaps I can not fix that pain. But I am here, Mr. Potter, to reunite you with the only one who can."  
  
----  
  
*dodges glares* I realise how very VERY overdue this chapter is, along with many other new chapters for the 10 or so unfinished stories, but I do apologise deeply for the apparent abandoning of my works. It was not intentional, and by no means did I forget about them or lose interest. I could never do that. It simply became a matter of priorities and other commitments took up my time.  
  
I continue to dearly appreciate the support and messages some of you have sent me, and the very nice reviews I have received. Rest assured that as soon as I can, I will try to update the other works. 


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